Dean Holden, the Hull City assistant manager, says the death of his 17-month-old daughter Cici has helped him keep football in perspective, as the Tigers make a flying start to the Premier League season with back-to-back wins over Manchester United and Coventry City.
"If we lose and I'm furious about it, I'll think, 'Cici hasn't died'," Holden told Daily Mail Sport. "I won't let it affect me or how I prepare for our next match, I won't let it linger. Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to win more than me, but nothing will ever be as bad as losing a child."
Cici was 17 months old when she contracted meningococcal septicaemia during a family holiday in Lanzarote 14 years ago and died. "Everything in life is fixable other than that one thing," Holden said. "It does help put things into perspective. I'll tell myself, 'Calm down, you've lost a game of football'."
Holden and his wife Danielle, childhood sweethearts, have never hidden from the tragedy. Alongside his role helping Hull stay in the Premier League, Holden features with his wife and their four other children in a YouTube series called Holden It Together, which he describes as "the Salford Kardashians".
Marriage and the 88 per cent statistic
Early in the first episode, Holden refers to a statistic that 88 per cent of relationships that endure the loss of a child do not last beyond another two years. Asked why his marriage is in the 12 per cent, he said: "It's because we refuse to let things we can't control get in the way. It's not all sweetness and light. People don't tend to talk about what we talk about, like how the menopause has nearly ruined our marriage, what happened with Cici. All of it. It's about brutal honesty. It's about communication. There has been no magic cure."
Jakirovic's 'no jealousy' rule
Holden works under Hull manager Sergej Jakirovic, who he says demands honesty from his squad. "He's all about honesty and clarity," Holden said. "He's old school. He'll tell players how it is to their faces. Black and white. There's no dancing around things. His big thing is 'no jealousy'. He tells the players not to be jealous of their team-mates if they're getting picked instead of them."
Hull brought in 18 players during the transfer window, and Holden said Jakirovic reinforced the policy in a meeting the day before he spoke to Daily Mail Sport. "He might take two players off at half-time because he wants to make a tactical change. But nobody can mope around because the chances are he'll pick them for the next game and they'll need to be ready. His communication is unbelievable."
How Holden and Jakirovic first met
The pair's first encounter was less cordial. Holden recalled facing Jakirovic's side while working as an assistant in Turkey. "He did the old trick of waving an imaginary card to try and get one of our lads sent off and I wasn't having it. I guess you could say we squared up and things got a little heated."
Holden was later told Hull wanted an English assistant with experience to work alongside a new Bosnian manager and his staff. "We're on this Zoom and I'm wondering if he remembers me and I hear one of his assistants say, 'You know who that is, don't you?'. It actually helped me get the job." Holden had been at Adana Demirspor, who had been deducted 12 points and were certainties for relegation. "I think he respected the fact that, despite that, I wanted to win and to fight, which they respect in Turkey."
Life at Hull under owner Acun Ilicali
Holden, who has previously managed Oldham Athletic, Bristol City and Charlton Athletic, said he hopes to return to management in the future but is happy at Hull for now. Each Friday he joins a five-a-side game at the training ground that includes club owner Acun Ilicali, dubbed Turkey's answer to Simon Cowell. "We're not allowed to kick him," he joked.
Staff at the club are currently helping arrange houses, and in some cases driving lessons, for the 18 new arrivals.
Surviving an embargo to reach the top flight
Hull were hit with a transfer embargo last season shortly after Holden's arrival, having survived relegation from the Championship on goal difference the previous campaign. They went on to win promotion via a play-off final victory over Middlesbrough.
"We were underdogs in most games last season," said Holden, who suffered three broken legs during a playing career at clubs including Bolton, Oldham and Peterborough, none of which were given as free-kicks. "So this season isn't really any different. We had a lot of spirit, were really hard-working and carried no prima donnas. Just proper, humble, working-class lads who had come through the ranks and up through the levels."
Joe Cole's 'back door' jibe
Before Hull's opening-weekend win over Manchester United, Joe Cole said on a podcast that the club had arrived in the Premier League "through the back door" and were already relegated before a ball had been kicked.
"We were aware of it," Holden said. "The manager mentioned it to the players. In fairness, I think they [Cole and podcast partner Carlton Cole] were having a laugh but it was disappointing to hear it from people who know how hard it is to make it as a player, let alone get to the Premier League."
Ice baths and the Wim Hof Method
Hull have taken six points from their opening two games but face a tougher test against Aston Villa this weekend. Holden said he and Danielle turned to unconventional methods after Cici's death, when Danielle was refused antidepressants by her GP because she did not score enough points on its assessment system, despite still getting their other children to school every morning.
"We found the Wim Hof Method," Holden said. "We're in the ice bath twice a day at the house and the kids are doing it now because they want to follow us. Physiologically, it resets you when you're under a lot of stress. Yoga and meditation twice a day have probably saved both of us. You don't have to go through what we've been through. There are tough times for a lot of people. You don't have to have a child die to be struggling."
A possible return to Lanzarote
Cici would have turned 16 this December, and Holden is considering returning to Lanzarote for the first time since her death, where he said he may revisit her final day for an episode of the YouTube show dedicated to her memory. "Danielle's said she never wants to go there again and I understand that," he said. "I think I will. I think I still need to grieve myself. I'd hope it might help others. Share with them the feelings involved, and what to expect next."
For now, Holden, who is 46 and would welcome another chance at management himself one day, says the focus at Hull is survival. "The task is to stay up, simple as that," he said. "We know what we need points-wise, stats-wise, clean sheets-wise. A famous manager said to me after we beat United, 'Only nine more to go'. Then after Coventry it was, 'Only eight to go'. You know 10 wins and a few draws tends to be enough. You can have a lot of weekends where you're disappointed but you just need to make sure you come back stronger."
