Consumed by her desire to be the best and blinded by trauma from the 2018 Pyeongchang Olympics, short track skater Kim Boutin had become a machine.

The 27-year-old Sherbrooke resident shone in Pyeonchang. She won a silver and two bronze medals in the individual events.

Her experience, however, was marred by death threats on social media after her first medal, due to her promotion to the podium over a South Korean skater following a judges’ decision.

Having little time to overcome this ordeal, Boutin remained caught in the dark for several years.

“I was unmotivated. I no longer knew what to hold onto to continue to progress, said Boutin during a recent virtual interview with The Canadian Press. I went to train in the Netherlands (in 2019) and said loud and clear that I wanted to win. It has become an obsession in my way of working.

“But the balance I needed for my sanity, I couldn’t get it. »

Boutin has had a string of good results on the World Cup circuit, notably becoming unbeatable in the 500 meters in 2019-20. But she knew something was wrong.

“I learned a lot of things, I pushed myself in training. I peaked, but I was at the limit of my physical and mental fitness, she admitted. I was no longer in there. »

To find pleasure on the ice, Boutin had to overcome his trauma, change his approach and find his humanity.

She consulted a psychologist specializing in trauma. Boutin, who is pursuing studies in special education, also volunteered in daycare for a few weeks before the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.

“I needed a balance. I am not only the performance, underlined Boutin. In my way of being rigid in training, I lose a bit of who I am. I am very competitive when I invest myself so much in a project. It makes me forget that I also have a very strong social side.

“I need this positive energy to regenerate myself. I have a more artistic side. I like to paint. I like the creative side of children. For me, it allows me to vent, to be myself with people. And that’s my approach to everything now. I want to keep a spark of creativity. »

Boutin used to quickly settle at the front of the peloton during the races and to pull the train until the end. With the Canadian short track team’s new coach, Sébastien Cros, she learned that there were other ways to win a race.

“I didn’t accept that my body was in poorer shape on certain days and that I could lose because of that,” admitted Boutin. Now I understood that a race could be tactical.

“There’s something nice about arriving in a race, succeeding in overtaking at the right time and finishing strong. (?) And it allows you to get by even if you are tired or less strong that day. »

Overcome anger

Throughout her evolution, Boutin had to understand that she couldn’t win every race. She also realized that she had to overcome the anger inside her.

“I realized that anger was the definition of my emotions,” she admitted. When I don’t get the answer I want, I get angry. I am demanding, towards myself, but in a state of stress, I can also become so towards others. That’s what I like least about me.

“That’s why it bothered me so much to lose. I thought to myself that I had put in so much effort. To get over my anger, I had to accept that I was not a machine, that the cycle of things is going to mean that there are going to be other hard-working people who are going to win. »

Because of his competitive side, Boutin previously feared that a less “extreme” approach would mean a decline in his performance. Today, she realizes that she has everything to gain by being challenged by her teammates in training.

After another break during the spring of 2021, it is therefore with a different mentality and rediscovered pleasure that Boutin returned to competition this fall. She has been on the podium four times in the individual events.

Boutin will therefore show up in Beijing pumped up, but also with a smile on her face.

“I’m so proud of the process that’s been accomplished,” she said. My victory in my last 500 meters in the Netherlands (this fall) is my victory!

“It’s the victory of my process. And there is to put everything in place, because I will be ready physically and mentally. That’s exciting! Let’s see what will happen! »

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The short track speed skating events will begin on February 5 with the presentation of the qualifications for the women’s 500 meters and the final of the mixed relay. Short track speed skating is also on the schedule on February 7, 9, 11, 13 and 16.